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| everyone has their own biases and their own ideals. my inner monologue for years has italicized this. a perpetually complex and evolving paradigm that i feel has now gone beyond my understanding.
i lay on my bed, hearing nothing save the faux antique clock the indie-consumerist in me purchased months ago, now, swallowing the seconds whole. i'm doing nothing productive, and everything i need to be doing.
i'm not studying for finals i'm obligated to receive outstanding marks on. more time passes. here i sit.
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| has this strange inkling ever presented itself to you?
the vague, tugging, intuitive feeling. the first thing you can't help but notice when you wake up?
that just happened. it was a feeling that said to me "today is the last day of your youth. bad things today."
sad for me. sadder for others.
today was horrible and none of it ever should have happened.
i'm never rationalizing decisions anymore, and when i feel off, i'm just going to turn over and go back to sleep and pretended none of it will ever happen and none of it is real.
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| it's 5am and i'm still doing homework and easily will be for the rest of the night. morning, if you please. also, i have an exam today. it begins almost immediately after i finish my four hour lab. also, i dropped calculus and am now taking chess instead. my instructor is very, just inordinately tall and my class is filled with boys that i can picture easily spending the vast majority of their free time playing world of warcraft. actually, i can't really picture them doing much else. besides maybe kicking my ass at chess and staring as though they've never been so close to a girl through the whole game.
it's true.
i miss sleeeeeeeeeep
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| i like my life.
i on occasion take stock of myself.
i'm very content.
but for real this time. none of the secret dissenting hesitations. being perfectly frank with myself, i don't know that i've been this solidly really wholly completely entire piece of the pie altogether comprehensively unconditionally splendidly exhaustively happy.
i'm just pleased with things on the whole. school is tedious, but it's fleeting and it's nice. i like that i'm actually learning things this year. my friends are wonderful and i'm often amazed that they want to hang out with me. i am presented with a lot of fantastic opportunities in my life. and of course, there is this fellow with whom i'm quite enamored who somehow makes everything so close to perfect.
i'm going to a bob dylan concert. in 1977, my father went to a bob dylan concert at the same venue. i'm basically obligated. i tried to get him tickets, but in a half-assed, i feel bad about it now kind of way. i want him to go. i'll call him, which is a far cry from the real thing, but still. pretty sweet to get a call from your offspring at a concert paralleling one which you attended three decades prior. or, i think it's pretty cool anyway.
elvis costello, too. i've seen him before and he was fantastic. an institution himself, certainly, if not for the awesome quality of his work, he would be one based upon the volume of it.
so that's my life. i feel tickley inside knowing how wonderful my everything is.
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| i need to be studying right now. i'm not, obviously.
i like school, but it's tedious and i'm busy all the time and i like to just relax and eat cookies all day. maybe some brownies and cake, provided the option.
i have an exam tomorrow, and another exam the day after that, as well as a lab report due (which i don't really understand, as the whole lab was an exhausting review of microsoft equation, basically. methods: typing?)
i like my apartment. i do not like that my parents thought they would be clever and give me a twin bed. i also do not like that while my apartment is really close to campus, it's just far enough away that the time it takes to get her minus the time i have in between classes does not equal a decent nap at all. i'm entertaining thoughts of napping in the library. i would bring my headphones, put my alarm on vibrate, and no one would be any the wiser.
it would be nice if it was october now. life will have settled. i'll be used to no naps. other varied contenting things
how sad. i remember when learning things was exciting to me. and now i just find it tedious? that may be distressing if i wasn't so damn apathetic.
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